Episode 103 - The Volcano

[In front of Cartman's house]
Ms. Cartman:  Be Careful Eric, the woods can be very dangerous.
Cartman:  Ok Mom.
Kyle:  Ready to go hunting Cartman?
Stan:  Yeh, my Uncle Jimbo says we got get up there early. Right Uncle Jimbo?
Uncle Jimbo:  That's right Stanley, animals are much easier to shoot in the morning.
Ms. Cartman:  Here hon, I packed you some cheesy poofs and happy tarts.
Uncle Jimbo:  Don't worry Ms. Cartman, we'll take good care of him. I brought my old war buddy Ned to keep things safe.
Ned:  Hello Ms. Cartman how are you today?
Ms. Cartman:  Be sure to use lots of bug spray, and if you have to poo-poo don't wipe with poison ivy.

Cartman:  Dude, that's sick mom.
Ms. Cartman:  And I know it can get scary up in those woods, but just remember, mommy's not far away.

Cartman:  Drive, Drive!
Ms. Cartman:  You give your mommy a kissy.
Cartman:  Drive the car damn-it, drive!

[In the car]
Kyle:  Don't get scared up in the mountains Cartman.
Cartman:  Shut up, I'm not scared of nothing.
Stan:  Maybe your mom can give me a kiss too, Cartman.
Kenny:  Mhhmmhh
Uncle Jimbo:  Oh, ho, that's disgusting.
Cartman:  You piece of crap, I'll kill you!
Uncle Jimbo:  That's the spirit boys, let's get that testosterone flowing.
Cartman:  Eeeh!
Uncle Jimbo:  Now boys, boys, I, I need to get serious for a minute. I want you to understand a few basic rules of hunting, since this is your first time. First, don't ever walk with your gun unless the safety's on. Second, don't shoot anything that looks human and third, never spill your beer in the bullet chamber.
Stan:  Uh, Uncle Jimbo, we don't drink beer.
Uncle Jimbo:  You what?!?
Ned:  Moh yeh, that's right, I don't think eight year old kids drink beer, mmm.
Kyle:  I like chocolate milk.
Uncle Jimbo:  Well, we'll be doing plenty of drinking on this trip; After all, hunting sober is like ... fishing ... sober. It sure will be nice to get out of the city for a while, away from civilization.

[On the mountain]
Uncle Jimbo:  Well, here we are. Ok, each of you youngin's take a gun, a beer and some smokes.
Cartman:  Hey, I didn't get a gun ... sweet. This is like the gun I used in 'Nam
Stan:  You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman.
Ned:  Were you stationed in Danang.
Stan:  Cartman always makes stuff up Ned, you can't believe anything he says.
Cartman:  Hey, I'll blow your friggin' head off.
Uncle Jimbo:  Hey, look out son, that's dangerous. You're gonna spill your beer.

Stan:  My Uncle Jimbo says that after this, he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.
Kyle:  Wow, that'd be cool.
Cartman:  My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.
Uncle Jimbo:  Boys, lookee there. That there's a rocky moutain black bear, one of the few remaining of its kind. Isn't it beautiful. By God, it coming right for us!

Shoots the Black Bear
Stan:  Hey, it wasn't coming right for us. It was just sitting there.
Uncle Jimbo:  Shhh, not so loud. Now that there's just a technicality.
Kyle:  What do yo mean?
Uncle Jimbo:  You see boys, the democrats have passed a lot of laws trying to stop us from hunting.
Cartman:  Democrats piss me off!
Uncle Jimbo:  They say we can't shoot certain animals anymore, unless they're posing an immediate threat. Therefore, before we shoot somethin', we have to say 'It's coming right for us.'
Stan:  Wow, you're smart Uncle Jimbo.
Ned:  Mmm, Jimbo look, mm.
Uncle Jimbo:  Ohho, it's a deer. Looks like about a .46 gauge Ned. - It's coming right for us!!

Shoots deer with rocket
Cartman:  Kickass!!
Uncle Jimbo:  Did you see that?! I was imperiled by that ferocious, charging buck.
Ned:  Moohh, rabbit, rabbit, 5 o'clock.
Uncle Jimbo:  Let's move, moove!
Stan:  Is this hunting?
Kyle:  I guess so.
Cartman:  Ah, dude! I'm starting to have flashbacks.
Kyle:  What?!?
Cartman:  Dense forest, Pull up flank. Look out for Charlie up in the trees.

[On the ridge]
Uncle Jimbo:  This one's yours Stan. - It's coming right for us.
Ned:  It's coming right for us.
Kyle:  Shoot it Stan.
Cartman:  I got your back soldier.
Stan:  I can't.
Uncle Jimbo:  What the? What's wrong with you?
Stan:  I don't want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo:  What the hell are you talking about, you don't want to shoot the bunny? You're babbling, you're not making any sense, you're hysterical.
Stan:  I'm not hysterical, I just don't want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo:  No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree hugger.
Cartman:  Yeh hippy, go back to Woodstock if you can't shoot anything.
Stan:  I can shoot you fat ass!
Cartman:  I can shoot you too!
Stan:  I'll kill you!
Cartman:  I'll fill you full of lead!

[Mountain Rumble]
Kyle:  Hey, what's that?

[South Park Center for Seismic Activity]

Randy humming.


Randy begins dozing off.


Randy notices seismograph.
Randy:  What the heck is this?

Picks up phone
Randy:  Yeh, Frank, it's uh Randy, Uh huh, good, good. Yeah, listen, the uh, the little needle's moving. Yeh, it's going back and forth really fast, what does that mean? Uh huh. Uh huh. Let me check. Yeh, it's smoking. Uh huh. Oh really? Really? Oh my God! A volcano!

[Dramatic music]

Randy sips coffee.

[Go to commercial]

[Night on the mountain]
Cartman:  My weenies won't cook.
Ned:  Mmm, this wood won't burn, umm.
Uncle Jimbo:  Well, Ned, looks like we'll have to use the old indian fire trick.
Ned:  Mmm, yepper.

Ned pours gas on fire, igniting Ned.

Ned:  Mmm, aahh, oh.
Uncle Jimbo:  Hehhehhaahaa, hey, stop-drop-and roll Ned. Haaahaaaaahaha!!

Hummer explodes
Stan,Kyle:  Whoa!
Uncle Jimbo:  God damn it Ned, I just got that van. How the hell are we supposed to get home?
Ned:  Mmm, oh, it hurts, it hurts, mmm.
Cartman:  Hey you guys, this works pretty good right now.

[City Hall]
Chef:  But you see Mr. Mayor, you can't stop serving Salisbury steak in our public schools. What's next, meatloaf?
Mayor:  We are quite aware of your concerns Chef, but...

[Beep beep]
Johnson:  Mayor, the geologist is here to see you.
Mayor:  My geologist? Now? Tell him the infection is fine and I don't need another check-up.
Johnson:  No mayor, that's a gynecologist. A geologist studies the earth.
Mayor:  Don't you think I know that? How dare you insult my intellect, I went to Princeton for God's sake! You get out of my office!
Johnson:  I'm not in your office mayor, I'm talking to you through a speaker.
Mayor:  Just send in the geometrist.
Johnson:  Geologist...
Mayor:  You are fired buddy!
Johnson:  Thank you mayor, it's been great working for you.
Randy:  Mayor, we have got a very big problem. Mt. Evenson is about to erupt.

[Dramatic Music]
Mayor:  What does this mean to the town?
Randy:  Well, this graph shows everything from normal to bad. Right now south park is here.

[Dramatic Music]

Randy points to graph - Totally Screwed.

[Dramatic Music continues]
Mayor:  My God!
Chef:  Mayor, some of the school children, are up camping, on that mountain, right now!
Mayor:  Ohh, this is big! Johnson, Johnson, are you there?

[Beep beep]
Ted:  Uhh, you just fired Johnson mayor. I'm his replacement, Ted.
Mayor:  Ted, we have got a major crisis here. I want you to get on the phone and call Inside Edition, Rescue 911, Oh and Entertainment Tonight. You better get my stylist on the phone too. Don't worry, things are under control.

[Back on the Mountain]
Uncle Jimbo:  And then Ned picked up the grenade and... BOOM, blasted his arm clear off. We spent three hours looking for that damn arm, but it was ever to be found. Some say it's still crawling around to this day.

Ned reaches to Cartman
Ned:  Mmmowwwh.

Uncle Jimbo:  Hah, got ya.
Cartman:  Heh, that's not scary.
Kyle:  You were scared Cartman, you almost peed your pants.
Cartman:  Shut up, I didn't pee my pants
Uncle Jimbo:  Hey Ned, hand me that gin. You boy's want to tie one on?
Kyle:  No, No thanks, that stuff tastes like pee.
Stan:  Yeh, Cartman's pee.
Cartman:  Hey, you would taste my pee!
Uncle Jimbo:  What the hell's wrong with you? Can't you have a little alcohol?

Kenny starts drinking gas.
Uncle Jimbo:  Christ, look at that little bastard go!

Kenny Hiccups
Uncle Jimbo:  Now you see that Stan, now, now that is a dirty little bastard!
Stan:  Hey, I'm a dirty little bastard too.
Cartman:  Hey you guys, I know a scary story.
Kyle:  Shut up cartman, you can't scare anybody
Cartman:  Oh yeh, have you guys ever heard of Scuzzlebutt?
Stan:  Whatawhat?
Cartman:  Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up on this very mountain, and kills anybody who dares climb to the top.
Stan:  Why?
Cartman:  Because, it loves the taste of blood, and likes to add pieces to it's deformed body.
Kyle:  Deformed how?
Cartman:  Well, on his left arm, instead of a hand, he has...
Stan:  A hook?
Kyle:  A knife?
Cartman:  No! A piece of celery.
Stan:  Celery?
Cartman:  Yeh, and he walks with a limp. Because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but...Patrick Duffy.
Kyle:  Patrick Duffy, damn it Cartman, that's not scary.
Cartman:  What do you mean? Have you ever seen Step By Step?

Cartman:  So he lives alone on this mountain, and weaves baskets, and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights you can hear him weaving his baskets. Kathink, kathink, kathink.
Stan:  Cartman, you suck at telling scary stories.
Kyle:  Yeh, give me that flashlight.
Kenny:  Hmmhmmhm.

Kyle:  What is that?
Stan:  Maybe it's Scuzzlebutt coming to weave us into wicker baskets.
Cartman:  Hey, it might be!
Kyle:  Gosh, I hope he doesn't cut me with his celery hand.

Cartman:  Go to Hell!

[Uncle Jimbo strumming guitar]
Uncle Jimbo:  Hey Ned, why don't you whip out the ole cancer kazoo. Let's do a little song.
Ned:  Abumbayah my lord, kumbayah. Kumbayah my lord, kumbayah. Uumbayah my lord, kumbayah.

[Uncle Jimbo Crying]
Ned:  Moh lord, Kumbayah. Emsomeone's crying my lord, Kumbayah.

[Singing continues]
Cartman:  They don't think Scuzzlebutt is scary huh? Let's see how they like it when they actually see Scuzzlebutt. I'll scare the hell out of them tomorrow.
Ned:  Someone's crying my lord, Kumbayah. Moh lord, Kumbayah.

[Next morning]
Kyle:  Stan, Stan, wake up!
Stan:  What dude?
Kyle:  I don't know where Cartman is. I think something took him away.
Stan:  Where's my Uncle Jimbo and Ned?
Kyle:  They're out fishing with Kenny.
Stan:  With Kenny. But, but this is supposed to be my camping trip. Why do they like Kenny so much? Doesn't he like me anymore?
Kyle:  Well Stan, you want to know what I think?
Stan:  What?

Kyle farts

[In the fishing boat]
Uncle Jimbo:  What a beautiful morning for fishing. There's one, there's a fish right there!

Uncle Jimbo throws grenade, explodes killing a fish.
Ned:  Mmm, got it.

Kenny throws grenade, explodes killing four fish.
Uncle Jimbo:  Great instincts boy.
Stan:  Uncle Jimbo, Cartman's missing!
Uncle Jimbo:  Who? The fat kid?
Stan:  Yeh.
Uncle Jimbo:  Ah hell, I guess we better go look for him. Ned, we got to cut it short. Fire out the 12-20!

Ned fires rocket, explodes killing lake full of fish.
Uncle Jimbo:  Well, I think that's about the limit for our fishing permit.
Ned:  Moh man it smells like dead fish here.
Kenny:  It smells like a vagina.
Ned:  Moh man, that is nasty.
Uncle Jimbo:  Heh, I don't think I've ever seen a kid as cool as you Kenny. I'm making you my honorary nephew.
Kenny:  Cool.

Stan looks dejected.

[Cut to commercial]

[In front of city hall]
Newscaster:  The people of South Park are humble and friendly. But now, a ticking timebomb of hot lava waits to engulf these people and end their miserable lives with one last fleeting moment of excruciatingly painful burning agony.
Crowd:  Yeahhh.
Individual in crowd:  Hey, I'm on TV, I'm on TV. (Sounds like Mr. Garrison)
Newscaster:  Mayor, what are you doing to prepare for this inevitible catastrophe?
Mayor:  All we know right now is that some of our children are camping on that mountain and... Oh, I'm sorry, can I start over?
Newscaster:  Huh?
Mayor:  You can edit this right? Ready, 3,2,1 (Melodramatically) All we know right now is that some of our children are up camping on that mountain. We can't doing anything until we get them. Ok people, let's go get those kids.
Chef:  Come on everybody. You got to help the children.

[On the mountain]
Uncle Jimbo:  Uh, well, he couldn't have gone far, unless something drug him off.
Ned:  There's not many animals out today, Jimbo, mmm.
Uncle Jimbo:  Yeh, it's almost like something funny's going on.

Uncle Jimbo:  Christ Ned, what'd you have for breakfast.
Ned:  MmI don't know man, I've got some bad gas.
Uncle Jimbo:  Wait, there's a ram! It's coming right for us!

Kenny opens fire, killing the ram.
Uncle Jimbo:  Nice shootin' Kenny. Here, you need a bigger gun.
Kyle:  Look!
Cartman:  I am Scuzzlebutt, Lord of the Mountains. Behold my Patrick Duffy leg.
Ned:  Mmm, what is it?
Kyle:  Dude, it's Scuzzlebutt! Cartman wasn't lying.
Uncle Jimbo:  Holy crow, we could make a mint killing this thing.
Ned:  We'll be on the cover of Guns & Ammo.
Uncle Jimbo:  This calls for some HJ-14.
Cartman:  Those guy's totally scared
Uncle Jimbo:  Fire in the hole!
Cartman:  Holy Crap!
Uncle Jimbo:  Damn it, I think I missed
Cartman:  What the hell is wrong with you people!?!
Uncle Jimbo:  C'mon, let's move, move!
Cartman:  Hey, wait, ahh!

[Rescue Center]
Mayor:  Is, is it on? Ok. Ok people, form groups and search the mountain. Report back here every hour, you got that?!?
Randy:  Mayor, I might have an uh idea.
Mayor:  Huh, what?
Randy:  If we can dig a very large trench, we can divert the lava into a canyon, and then it would bypass South Park, pretty much completely.
Mayor:  And, that would be good? Right?
Randy:  I'm pretty sure.
Mayor:  Well, what are we waiting for. Ok people, change of plans. Half of you grab shovels.

[On the moutain]
Uncle Jimbo:  These look like his tracks. He must have gone this way. Ned, prepare some HK-12 and some plastiscene. I'll bet that sucker's headed for a higher elevation. The higher up it - BIRD!!

Uncle Jimbo shoots Bald Eagle.
Uncle Jimbo:  The higher up it goes, the better it can breathe.
Kyle:  Look, up there.
Cartman:  You guys, it's just me.
Uncle Jimbo:  Are we sure it's Scuzzlebutt?
Stan:  Does it have Patrick Duffy for a leg
Uncle Jimbo:  I can't tell, let's kill it!
Cartman:  Eh, I gotta get out of this stupid costume.
Uncle Jimbo:  Kenny, you take the front.
Stan:  No, I can do it Uncle Jimbo. I want to bag that animal!
Uncle Jimbo:  That's the spirit kiddo, let's hunt!
Cartman:  You guys, you guys, I was just kidding!

Townspeople digging trench
Newscaster:  As some people of South Park try desperately to save their mountain town, others look for the missing townspeople. But all must take every precaution necessary.

[Rescue Center]
Officer Barbrady:  Ok people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr. Garrison, if you would please.

[Lava and You]
Film Narrator:   Harbringers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesireable stress, and the volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here we see the Steven's family enjoying a may picnic, but suddenly daughter hears a noise. It's a volcano. Junior seems worried. But have no fear Junior, Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt. That's right Jane, duck and cover.

[The lava rolls over the family, causing no harm]
Film Narrator:   So what will you [skip] when you hear a volcano erupting? That's right, duck and cover.

[The lava rolls over two kids, causing no harm]
Film Narrator:   Looks like you got the idea. Duck and Cover. Thank you and goodnight.

Officer Barbrady:  OK, any questions?
Chef:  That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap, I have ever seen!
Officer Barbrady:  That's enough out of you.

[On the mountain]
Stan:  I'm gonna bag Scuzzlebutt, then we'll see who's the little bastard.
Cartman:  Hey, seriously you guys!
Kyle:  Kill it Kenny, kill it. (I swear, that's what he says)

[Cut to commercial]

[On the mountain]
Kyle:  Come on Stan, kill it.
Stan:  Ah damn it, I can't do it!
Uncle Jimbo:  You pansy, give me that gun.
Cartman:  Hey!
Stan:  Cartman?
Cartman:  God damn it, don't shoot me!
Uncle Jimbo:  What in Samhell?
Cartman:  I was just trying to scare you guys, you can put the guns down now.
Ned:  Mmm, so much for the cover of Guns & Ammo.
Uncle Jimbo:  Yepper, but I think we've learned some important lessons Ned I think that

Volcano erupts
Kyle:  Whoa
Ned:  Mmm, holy crap.
Uncle Jimbo:  The mountain! It's blown it's top!

[Dramatic music]

Lavaball lands on Kenny
Kyle:  Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kenny:  Nope, I'm ok.

Lavaball rolls onto Kenny
Kenny:  Ahhh!

[On the volcano]
Townsman1:  Look, the volcano.
Townsman2:  Quick, duck and cover.

Lava burns townsmen to the bone

[Base of mountain]
Kyle, Stan, Cartman:  Ahhhh
Uncle Jimbo:  That lava's coming right for us
Chef:  Oh no, look.

[At the trench]
Uncle Jimbo:  What the hell is this trench doing here?!? We can't get across!
Newscaster:  It now looks as if the missing children are trapped in the path of hot, nasty lava.
Mayor:  God, please deliver those darling kids from... Wait wait wait, wait. 3,2, and 1 God, please deliv
Cartman:  Help!

[Dramatic Music, Scuzzlebutt enters, scratches self]
Uncle Jimbo:  Jimminy Hulk, it's the real Scuzzlebutt!
Cartman:  What! Scuzzlebutt's real?!?
Kyle:  Oh my God! Look at his leg!
Patrick Duffy:  Hi kids, I'm TV's Patrick Duffy.
Uncle Jimbo:  Quick Ned, shoot it!
Ned:  Mmmoh no, out of ammo.
Scuzzlebutt:  Grrrr.
Mayor:  What, is that thing?
Chef:  That's Scuzzlebutt.
Mr. Garrison:  Yeh, he has Patrick Duffy for a leg, and weaves baskets.
Officer Barbrady:  This isn't happening, everyone look away please. Nothing to see here.
Uncle Jimbo:  Well boys, I'm sorry I got you all killed.
Kyle:  Ahhh
Stan:  Whoa, he built a wicker basket
Uncle Jimbo:  Hey, he's saving us.
Scuzzlebutt:  Grrr.
Ms. Cartman:  Scuzzlebutt saved the day
Randy:  And my calculations worked, the lava is following the trench into the canyon.
Mayor:  Where exactly does the canyon go?
Randy:  Uhh.
Denver citizens:  Ahhhh.
Mr. Garrison:  Southpark is saved.
Kyle:  Hey look, Kenny's ok.
Kenny:  Hey guys, how's it goin'?
Newscaster:  And now these humble people can rejoice and celebrate their jovial victory over nature. I'm getting word that the chef of the school cafeteria wants to sing a song about this thrilling struggle of humanity.
Chef:  Mmmm, baby everytime that we kiss, hot lava. Everytime that we make love there's lava, hot lava. Lava so hot it makes me sweat Lava so warm and red and [not sure] Lava Mmmmm.
Newscaster:  Mayor, what do you have to say about this wonderful outcome?
Mayor:  Well, we owe everything to this friendly, yet misunderstood creature. Thank you Scuzzlebutt.
Scuzzlebutt:  Friend

Scuzzlebutt hands mayor flowers
Mayor:  Oh, how sweet.

Stan shoots Scuzzlebutt
Stan:  I did it, I did it, I finally killed something.
Newscaster:  Oh my God! What has he done?
Mayor:  Turn off the cameras!
Stan:  Hey, that was easy!
Patrick Duffy:  Noooo! Why God? Why?
Uncle Jimbo:  Damn it Stan, you shouldn't have done that!
Stan:  What?!? Why?!?
Kyle:  Yeh, make up your mind, dude!
Uncle Jimbo:  Stan, some things you kill, and some things you don't. See?
Stan:  No.
Ned:  Moh, only now in this late hour do I see the folly of guns. Mmm, I'll never use a gun again, mmm.

Ned drops his gun that discharges and kills Kenny.
Kenny:  Heyy.

Rats pursue Kenny's corpse
Stan:  But I just wanted you to be proud of me, like you were with Kenny.
Uncle Jimbo:  But Kenny's dead now Stan, and you're always going to be my nephew. And you can't just kill anything. You understand?
Kyle:  Dude, I don't understand hunting at all
Stan:  Yeh, it's stupid. Let's go watch cartoons.
Cartman:  Yeh, cartoon's kick ass!