Stan: That was awesome!
Ms. Cartman: Would you boys like some Cheesy Poofs?
Cartman: Get out of the way mah, the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special is on.
Ms. Cartman: Sure hon.
Cartman: And yeh we want Cheesy Poofs!
Phillip: Hey Terrance, looks like this might be a good place to start a new colony.
Terrance: It sure does Phillip. No one will oppress our religion here.
Phillip: You stained my pilgrim hat butt-pipe.
Cartman: Did you guys see that, that was sweet.
TV Announcer: Coming up next on the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special, Phillip farts on Terrance, and laughs.
Kyle: Oh, cool.
TV Announcer: And now a word from our sponsor.
Sally Struthers: Here in the heart of Africa children are dying. Not from disease or war, but from hunger. I'm Sally Struthers. These children are in desperate need, and only you can help.
Stan: Hey, who's that fat chick?
Kyle: Sally Struthers dude, she used to be on Full House.
Sally Struthers: You see, here, in the middle of Africa, food is extremely scarce.
Stan: Doesn't look like she's having any trouble finding food.
Kyle: Yeh, she's fatter than Cartman.
Cartman: Yeh, HEY!
Sally Struthers: For just five dollars a month you can sponsor a child.
Cartman: That's stupid, who the hell would want to do that?
Sally Struthers: Sponsor now and we'll also send you this Teiko digital sports watch as a free gift.
Cartman: KICK ASS!!
Stan: I'll call, I know my mom's credit card number.
Stan dials the phone.
Kyle: Did they say if it's waterproof?
Stan: Hello? Is this Sally Struthers?
Kyle: What did she say?
Stan: Shut up butt-pirate, I'm trying to hear.
Stan: Yeh. Yeh. We want to adopt a starving Ethernopian.
Cartman: When do we get the sports watch?
Stan: Just a second fat-ass!
Cartman: You vas-deferens!
Stan: Hello? No, no, as a mat....
Stan looks at Cartman.
Kyle: Ask her if we get the watch right away.
Stan: Do we get the watch right away?
Stan: She says we do.
Cartman: I get to wear it first you guys.
[Mr. Garrison's Classroom]
Kyle: I can't wait to get out of school and get our Teiko sports watch.
Cartman: Yeh, but I get to wear it first, I said.
Mr. Garrison: Children, children, to honor this special time of year we'll be doing a canned food drive. Does anybody know what a canned food drive is?
Cartman raises his hand.
Mr. Garrison: Yes Eric?
Cartman: When they cut up a chick's stomach to get a baby out?
Mr. Garrison: Noo, that's a Caesarian Section Eric, but that's ok, remember, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people. A canned food drive is when we collect canned food for poor people who can't afford to eat on Thanksgiving.
Stan: You mean like Kenny?
Mr. Garrison: Exactly.
Cartman: Mr. Garrison? Why do poor people always smell like sour milk?
Mr. Garrison: [Impatiently]I don't know Eric, they just do.
Kyle sniffs at Kenny.
Kenny backs off.
Mr. Garrison: Now children, I want each of you to bring in one can of food. And later, the mayor of South Park will divide it up amongst Kenny's family and other poor people.
Cartman: I'm not bringin' in food for poor people, SCREW THEM!
Wendy: Don't you want to help those who are less fortunate?!?
Cartman: Hey you guys, do you hear something? I, I think I hear the flower children calling.
Wendy: This is the one time of year you're supposed to care about people who can't eat!
Cartman: Isn't it enough that I pay taxes?!? What about the poor houses that, that I pay for?!?
Wendy: Many would rather die than go to those places!
Cartman: Well then, perhaps they should, and decrease the surplus population!
Mr. Garrison: Ok kids, that's enough Dickens for one day. Let's get on with our lesson, right Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat: That's right Mr. Garrison, Englebert Humperdink was the first person on the moon, who was the second?
A pack of wild turkeys burst into the classroom.
Mr. Garrison can be found atop his podium.
Mr. Garrison: What the hell is going on?!?
The turkeys are tearing up the classroom.
A turkey overturns Clyde's desk, dumping Clyde to the ground.
Just as suddenly as they entered, the turkeys exit, closing the door behind them.
Mr. Garrison: Well, you don't see that everyday.
[The Mayors Office]
Mayor: Ok. Now, once we have all the canned foods collected we'll need some clever way to distribute them to the poor.
Assistant 1: It should be something festive.
Mephesto enters the Mayor's office.
Mephesto: Mayor, we've got a very big problem.
Mayor: Ahh, you're that insane genetic engineer from up on the hill, right?
Mephesto: Yes, and I may have made a horrible mistake. I was trying to genetically engineer turkeys for Thanksgiving.
Mayor: [Sardonically]Uh huh.
Mephesto: You know, to provide food for the needy.
Mayor: [Sarcastically]Of course.
Mephesto: Well, something went wrong and the turkeys broke free. And the worst part is, they're really pissed off.
The mayor turns around and gestures the universal sign for 'He's loony'.
Mayor: Oh, do go on.
Mephesto: We have to stop them or, or they could destroy everything. Time is short.
The mayor turns around and pulls out a cuckoo clock, which chimes in
couple of times.
Mayor: You were saying?
Mephesto: They act just like normal turkeys, except they're evil.
Mayor: [With utter disbelief]Oh my!
The mayor turns around and pulls out a donkey, which heehaw's a couple
Mephesto: Somehow I don't think you're taking me seriously.
Mayor: Now why would you say that?
The kids burst in.
Everybody: Did it come, did it come, is it here yet?
Cartman: I get to use it first you guys!
Cartman: Mom, did our digital sports watch come yet?
Ms. Cartman: Not yet hon.
Kyle: Hey, look you guys.
TV Announcer: And now, back to part two of the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special.
Terrance: I sure am cold Phillip.
Phillip: Yes, and hungry too. Being a pilgrim totally sucks ass.
Terrance: Gosh, I hope we don't starve.
Terrance: Ah, a squeaker!
Kyle: The digital sports watch is here.
An emaciated Ethiopian kid stands at the front door, with baggage in hand.
The postal truck takes off.
Cartman: What the hell?
Stan: Dude, that's not a digital sports watch.
Kyle: Hey, it looks like one of those Etheropians.
Stan: Ah man, they must have accidentally sent him instead of the sports watch.
Kyle: Maybe they took it literally when we said we wanted to adopt a kid.
The Ethiopian 'speaks' and clicks something.
Kyle: Whoa! That was cool.
Stan: Yeh, how did he make those clicking sounds?
Kyle: What's your name dude?
The Ethiopian clicks something.
Stan: I think he said his name is Marvin.
Cartman: Yeh, Starvin' Marvin.
Kyle shakes Marvin's hand.
Kyle: Nice to meet you Starvin' Marvin.
Cartman: Hey mom?
Ms. Cartman: Yes hon?
Cartman: We found a Ethiopian, can we keep him?
Ms. Cartman: Sure hon.
Stan: Dude, let's bring him to school tomorrow.
Kyle: Come on Starvin' Marvin, I want you to meet my little brother.
Cartman: No no! He's my son! I adopted him.
Stan: It was my mom's credit card.
Kyle: Ok, ok, wewe'll switch off. Starvin' Marvin can stay here for a week, then at Stan's then with me.
Cartman: Yeh, and never with Kenny, because his family is too poor.
Kenny slugs Cartman.
A couple is walking near the pond.
Incredibly sappy and bad romantic music is playing.
Woman: Look how the leaves fall so delicately on the surface of the pond. It's so beautiful.
Man: Not as beautiful as you.
The couple embraces and kisses as a horde of turkeys storm the pond.
The guy looks over his lovers shoulder, noticing the turkeys.
Man: Oh darling, look. Thanksgiving turkeys.
Woman: Ohhh, they're so beautiful.
Man: Not as beautiful as you.
Woman: Look at the way the foam at the mouth, like beautiful suds of beer.
Man: Not as beautiful as....
The turkeys attack the couple, stripping their clothes off.
[Cut to commercial]
[Kc's All You Can Eat Buffet]
Stan: This is a great way for you to experience America Starvin' Marvin. This is what we call an all you can eat buffet.
Cartman: Yeh, here you get to eat all you want for only $6.99. That's why we all come here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny's family 'cause to them $6.99 is two-years income.
Cartman: Why is your family poor Starvin' Marvin? Is your dad an alcoholic too?
A waiter places a plate of shrimp in front of Cartman.
Cartman: You see Starvin' Marvin, these are what we call appetizers.
Cartman: This is what you eat before you eat, to make you more hungry.
A waiter approaches with a ham, turkey and plate full of drumsticks.
Cartman: Welp, food's here, that's it for the appetizers.
Cartman tosses the plate of shrimp into a not-too-distant trash can.
Everybody at the table begins gorging themselves.
Marvin reaches for a pot-pie on Cartman's plate.
Cartman: No Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot-pie.
Stan: Cartman, you butt-pipe, this is the time of year you're supposed to share.
Cartman: Oh yeh, you're right.
Cartman eyes a slice of Peach Cobbler sitting before Marvin.
Cartman: Are you gonna eat all of your peach cobbler? No, you don't want all that, why don't you share it with me? Now, just slide that right over here. Let me just have some of that here.
[Mr. Garrison's Classroom]
Mr. Garrison: Children, children, I'm a little disappointed in your Thanksgiving spirit. Only a few cans have been donated to our canned food drive.
Mr. Garrison reaches into the box of canned goods.
Mr. Garrison: And can't we do a little better than ... Creamed Corn ... uh ... Creamed Corn ... and ... Creamed Corn?
The class stares back blankly.
Mr. Garrison: Please bring in more diverse food children or else Kenny's family is going to have a pretty corny Thanksgiving.
Mr. Garrison begins laughing.
Mr. Garrison: Corny...Gravy...Corny Thanksgiving, hoo. Hahhaa. Anyway children, I understand a few of you have brought in something special for show-and-tell.
Scamps: Yeh, yeh, we did, yeh, we do!
Mr. Garrison: Alright boys, show us what you've brought.
The boys walk to the front of the class with Marvin.
Kyle: This is our new Ethernopian, Starvin' Marvin.
Stan: He can do really cool stuff with his voice. Show 'em Starvin' Marvin.
Marvin is reaching into the box of canned goods.
Cartman: No Starvin' Marvin, that's Kenny's creamed corn. No Starvin' Marvin that's a bad Starvin' Marvin!
Mr. Garrison: Boys, what the hell are you doing?!? This is horribly, horribly wrong. How did you get this child?
Stan: He was accidentally delivered to us instead of a sports watch.
Mr. Garrison: The sports watch from the commercial?
Kyle: Yeh, that one.
Girl: I want a Starvin' Marvin.
Clyde: Me too.
Pip: Yes, I'll pay fifty dollars for one.
Class: Yeh, I want one too, yeh me, me.
Mr. Garrison: Boys, you're too young to take care of a child. I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the Red Cross and have him returned.
Kyle: Ah, I told you we shouldn't have brought him to school dude.
[Principal Victoria's Office]
Principal Victoria: Ok, thank you very much. Yes, you can pick him up tonight. Bye now.
Victoria hangs up the phone.
Principal Victoria: Now boys, I hope you've learned your lesson.
Principal Victoria: You can't care for this child!
Kyle: But I thought we were supposed to care on Thanksgiving.
Principal Victoria: Yes, but you don't actually get involved with the child's lives. You're supposed to just send money and once in a while they write you a letter. You see, Marvin didn't grow up in a normal place like 'South Park'.
Stan: So why can't he live here now?
Principal Victoria: Because he can't!
Kyle: Because why?
Principal Victoria: Because eight-year olds can't be parents.
Kyle: Then you take care of him.
Principal Victoria: I can't, I, umm...I'm very busy.
Principal Victoria: I send my five dollars a month, see?
She shows the boys her sports watch.
Stan: This sucks, Starvin' Marvin is our friend.
Cartman: Oh well, back to the poor country with you.
Kyle: You better watch what you say Cartman, you might be poor and hungry some day.
Cartman: Huh, huh, yeh right.
[Genetic Engineering Ranch]
Mephesto: I knew that you were the only person who would listen to me Chef.
Chef: Yeh, well, let's get it over with. This place gives me the booboojeebees.
Mephesto: Look here, in my microscope, tell me what you see.
Chef: Uhh, I see...an extreme close up of ...Vanessa Redgrave's private parts.
Mephesto: Oh, whoops.
Mephesto switches the slides.
Mephesto: Now tell me what you see.
Chef: Well, I'm no biologist, but I'd say it looks like turkey DNA.
Mephesto: Precisely, but look how rapidly it's dividing.
Chef: What does it mean?
Mephesto: Means the turkeys are growing at an exponential rate. If we don't destroy them all, they'll take over the town. Maybe the world.
Chef: Oh fudge!
Chef ponders for a moment.
Chef: Uhh, let me see that Vanessa Redgrave thing again.
Marvin is sitting alone on the couch watching TV.
Secret service agents enter the house.
Agent 1: Hello there little boy, we're looking for a starving African child who was accidentally sent here instead of a Teiko sports watch.
Marvin directs the two agents towards Cartman's room.
Cartman: Hey, hey, what's going on?!?
The agents have Cartman in a duffle bag and are dragging him out of
Cartman: Hey, let go of me! Hey, hey, I'll kick you in the nuts. Ok man.
One of the agents returns with a sports watch in his hand.
Agent 1: Here's your sports watch son, sorry for the mix-up.
Cartman: Hey, seriously? Hey, you're pissing me off right now.
[Cut to commecial]
Mayor: So how does this thing work?
Assistant: Well mayor, it's based on the cash grab, but instead of money, the cans of food are blown around inside the capsule. The POV inside catches as many as he can to feed his family.
Assistant: Poverty stricken citizen.
Mayor: Ohhoho, brilliant.
A horde of turkeys rush the square.
Mayor: Ahh, what the hell is this.
Assistant: I don't know mayor, I don't think it's listed on the program.
Mephesto: They're increasing in number mayor. These are the vicious turkeys I warned you about.
Chef: Itsa, it's true mayor. Those turkeys just ripped apart my cafeteria. Whooa. You won't get away with this you bastards.
Kyle: Wow! Those are some pissed off turkeys!
Mayor: [Panicking]OK PEOPLE, DON'T PANIC! BRING OUT THE DEFENSE SQUAD!
Jimbo and Ned enter the scene, armed with rifles.
They begin shooting and killing a series of turkeys.
Mephesto: We need more than that. They'll only come back in increased numbers.
Terrance: Hey Phillip, could you pass the beans?
Phillip: Beans? Uh oh, looks like we'll be at war with these indians soon.
Terrance attempts to squeeze one off.
Terrance: Huh, eh, wait wait wait.
He tries some more.
Terrance: Eh, eh.
And some more.
Terrance: Here it comes, ehhhh.
A long squeeky fart bursts forth.
Terrance: Dahhhh, I crapped my pants!
Phillip: I think you got some spatter on Chief Running Wolf.
Terrance: I spattered his face!
Phillip: Now he's a smelly indian.
TV Announcer: We'll be back to part 14 of the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special, right after this.
[Sally Struthers Commercial]
Sally Struthers: Hunger is an enemy that we all must fight. These children desperately need your support.
Cartman can be seen in the background.
Cartman: Hey, somebody get me out of here! This sucks!
Sally Struthers: So please, call and adopt a child today.
Cartman: I'm seriously getting pissed of here right now!
Ms. Cartman: You want some more Cheesy Poofs hon?
Marvin: Yeh, I want da Cheesy Poof.
Ms. Cartman: Ok.
A vulture is flying overhead.
Cartman: Eh, This is serious bullshit! There has to be a happy burger around here somewhere.
Cartman approaches a group of Ethiopians.
Cartman: Excuse me, I am a lost little boy, could you help me?
They stare back blankly.
Cartman: Well, screw you too!
Some flies start circling Cartman's head.
Cartman: What the?!? Who the hell let all these flies in here?!? Hasn't anybody ever heard of insect repellent?!?
Mayor: All right everyone, it's time to give out canned food to the poor, haa.
The crowd cheers.
Stan: Hey, where's Cartman?
Kyle: I don't know, do you know where he is Marvin?
Marvin shrugs a no.
Mayor: Looks like we have the turkey problem under control. It's time to embrace the spirit of giving with the canned food grab.
The crowd cheers.
Mayor: Come on, hurry up.
Kenny enters the GRAB-O-RAMA
Kenny's Mom: Grab a lot son.
Mayor: Have a happy Thanksgiving! Let 'er rip!
Kenny is shown swirling around the capsule, being struck by various
Mayor: Huh, huh, grab those cans little boy.
Stan, Kyle: Come on Kenny!
Kenny's Dad: Come on son.
Now, let's see all the goodies you're going to take home to your family.
Kenny staggers out of the capsule.
Mayor: It..looks like he got a...a can of Ssstring beans. Hehe.
The crowd cheers.
Another horde of turkeys descends.
Chef: What the?!?
Stan: Dude, the mutant turkeys are back!
Officer Barbrady: Ok people, move along, nothing to see here you looky-loos.
Mephesto: I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen.
Chef: Gather around everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm your....
Chef looks down and Mephesto's companion.
The turkeys continue their attack.
Chef: What the hell are you supposed to be anyway?
Mephesto: That's not important right now.
Chef: No! What the hell is this little thing supposed to be? It doesn't look like anything.
Mayor: Chef, the turkeys!
Chef: Oh, alright. Listen up everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm yourselves with whatever you can. We'll meet back here in fifteen minutes. Hurry!
The turkeys continue their attack.
Chef: We are not going to let our Thanksgiving be ruined by a bunch of turkeys.
A vulture is flying overhead.
Cartman: Damn, you guys, seriously, I'm hungry. I have to eat.
A Red Cross van is in the distance.
Cartman: Ah, sweet! The Red Cross!
Cartman approaches the van.
Cartman: I'll have fried chicken and a side of mashed potatoes please.
Red Cross Dude: Sorry kid, but we're out of food. We ran out of funding.
Red Cross Dude: We just couldn't get enough sponsors back home, so now we've got to pack it up.
Cartman: But I'm not a starving Ethiopian, I have to get back home too!
Red Cross Dude: Sorry dude, we just don't have any funds. Here, have a Teiko sports watch.
He tosses Cartman a watch.
The van drives off.
[In the Forest]
The screen is reduced to a wide screen format.
Mayor: People, we all have to do our part against the evil turkeys.
Townsperson 1: There's too many of them.
Mayor: Come on! Where is that Thanksgiving spirit?!?
Townsperson 2: We can't stop them.
Chef rides up on what looks like Enrique.
Chef's face is painted blue and white.
He is wearing Scottish garb, wielding a sword and shield a la Braveheart.
Chef: Today, you fight for your city. You fight for your honor. These turkeys will continue to push until they have taken everything from us. These fudged up turkeys from the the crustaceous era can take our lives, but they can never take our FREEDOM!!!
The crowd cheers.
Crowd: Wooo, yehhh, woo.
[Another hill in the forest]
A pack of turkeys is gathered together.
One turkey is also painted in blue and white.
Leader Turkey: Gobble, gobble. Gobble gobble. Gob, gobble. Gob, gob, gob, Gobble!!
The other turkeys gobble like mad.
The two forces stand opposed.
Kyle: Here you go turkeys!
Kyle moons the turkey forces.
The two forces clash.
Mayor: Does my hair look okay?
A vulture circles.
Cartman: Can't go on...need...appetizer...eh...I'm sorry, God, I'm sorry I mocked poor people. I'm sorry I wasn't more sensitive. Please, Please God, uhh.
Cartman falls to the ground.
Cartman: [Parched]Eh, my god has forsaken me.
[Cut to commercial]
Cartman: Eh, err.
A lone building stands in the distance with a no admittance sign on it.
Cartman: Huh, I wonder what's in here.
The room is filled to the ceiling with boxes of Cheesy Poofs, Snacky Cakes, Boogy Bars and Veal Roll-Ups.
Triumphant music is playing.
Cartman: SNACKY CAKES!! MMMM!
Sally Struthers is shown macking on some cake while two Ethiopians are
fanning her with palm fronds.
Cartman: Sally Struthers?!?
Sally Struthers: Who the hell are you?!?
Cartman: Gimmie that cake!
Sally Struthers: Nooo, this is my cake!
Cartman: No Sally Struthers, eh, give me that cake!
Sally Struthers: NO! You can't have any!
Cartman: No Sally Struthers, that's my cake eehhhh!
Cartman looks outside.
Cartman: You guys, Sally Struthers is holding food from us!!!
Sally Struthers: Uh oh.
She begins seriously attacking that cake .
[South Park Forest]
The battle continues.
The turkeys fight valiently, but many are falling.
Ike beheads a turkey.
Marvin looks on.
Chef: Stay close children.
Chef shield blocks one turkey as he slays another.
Stan, Kyle: Yeaaa!
Turkeys rush Kenny.
One turkey manages to extract Kenny's eyeball as the others kill him
Stan: Oh my god, they've killed Kenny.
Kyle: You Bastards!!
Jimbo: The last three are getting away, shoot 'em Ned.
Ned picks off the remaining three birds.
Stan: We did it!!
Mephesto: My God, what have we done?
Chef: We've saved Thanksgiving.
Mephesto: But all those poor turkeys, they, they're all dead.
Chef: Every turkey dies, not every turkey truly lives.
Mephesto: As horrible as they were they, they felt like a part of me. Perhaps I shouldn't be toying with God's creations, perhaps I should just.
Chef: Yeh, yeh, yeh.
Two secret service agents approach, apparently oblivious to the carnage.
Agent 2: Excuse me sir, we're looking for a little starving Ethiopian boy who was accidentally delivered to South Park instead of a Teiko sports watch.
The agent shows a picture.
Agent 1: Have you seen anyone fitting this description.
Officer Barbrady: Oh, that could be a hundred kids in this town mister.
Marvin approaches the two agents.
Agent 1: There you are. Are you ready to go home now?
Marvin looks at Mr. Garrison, followed by Chef followed by Officer Barbrady.
He quickly shakes an affirmative.
As he's leaving, he grabs some turkeys.
Stan: Wow, it sucks he has to leave.
Kyle: Yeh, I like him a lot more than Cartman.
Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people. But they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials, but, people on TV are just as real as you or I.
A rat moves in and out of Kenny's empty eye socket.
Kyle: And that means that McGyver is a real person too.
Red Cross Chick: We're terribly sorry about the mix-up little boy. We'll get you back home immediately.
Cartman: That's right you will, God-Damnit. Move it POVs, I'm an American!
A plane lands.
Marvin exits the plane.
Ethiopian: A baba, gluck gluck bababab ga.
Marvin: Baba gook gook ba.
The cargo door lowers in back of the plane and a bunch of dead turkeys fall out.
The Ethiopians grab the turkeys.
The Ethiopians raise Marvin on their shoulders in triumph.
Sally Struthers is shown over a spit with an apple in her mouth.
Kenny's Dad: Lord, on this day of thanks, we would like to extend our deepest gratitude for this incredible bounty of green beans you have bestowed upon us. And though for some reason you found it necessary to take our son from us, and though you for some reason find pleasure in watching us suffer, still, we give thanks. Amen.
Kenny's Mom: Amen.
Kenny's mom takes a brief look around.
Kenny's Mom: Does anybody have a can opener?
Kenny's Dad: God Damn-it.