Episode 104 - Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride

[Bus Stop]
Kyle:  Hey, where's the school bus? We're gonna be late for football practice.
Stan:  Hiya Sparky.
Kyle:  Who's that?
Stan:  That's my new dog Sparky. He followed me to the bus stop.
Kyle:  Wow! Cool!
Stan:  Good dog Sparky. Who's my best buddy? Who's the boy? Who's the buddy?
Cartman:  Eh. You're making me sick dude.
Stan:  He's part doberman and part wolf. He's the toughest dog on the mountain.
Cartman:  Noo way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park.
Sylvester:  Arrrrrr
Stan:  He's not meaner than Sparky.
Cartman:  Oh yeh, let's see. Hey, Sylvester.
Stan:  Sparky'll kick his ass.
Cartman:  I'll put a dollar on Sylvester.
Kyle:  You're on dude.
Sylvester, Sparky:  Arrrrrr.
Stan:  That's it Sparky, kick his ass.
Sylvester, Sparky:  Arrrrrr.

Sparky starts panting

Sylvester starts whimpering
Cartman:  Heh, he's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass.
Stan:  Sparky, bad dog!
Kenny:  Oh my god I think they're screwing.
Stan:  What?!?
Cartman:  Yeh dude, I think your dog is gay.
Stan:  What do you mean?
Cartman:  That dog is a gay homosexual.
Stan:  He's just confused.
Kyle:  I think the other dog's the one that's confused.
Kenny:  Mrmph
Stan:  Sick, shut up dude.
Cartman:  [Singing]Stan's dog's a homo. Stan's dog's a homo.

Bus Arrives

[Football Field]
Chef:  Ok children, I know that you're all extremely excited, nervous, and anxious about the homecoming game against da Middlepark.
Kyle:  Who's Middlepark?
Cartman:  What's homecoming?
Chef:  But just remember what I taught you. That football is like making love to a really beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worthwhile.

Chef:  Now, let's start practice.

Pip:  Uh, Mr. Chef sir?
Chef:  Yes Pip, what is it?
Pip:  Well, I still don't have a helmet.
Chef:  I know Pip, the school can't afford helmets for everybody.
Pip:  Yes, but, couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet every week? Does it always have to be me?
Chef:  Yes Pip, I'm afraid it does.
Pip:  Oh.
Chef:  Sorry son, now get your ass in there.

[On the playing field]
Stan:  Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut--hut.hut.hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut
Chef:  Hike the damn ball.

Cartman Hikes the ball over Stan's head
Cartman:  Eh.

Stan gives the ball chase

Kyle runs into Pip's head, opening a major gash

[On sideline]
Jimbo:  Hey, how's practice coming there Chef?
Chef:  Huh, oh, fine.
Jimbo:  I don't have to remind you just how important this game is to us South Park Alumni.
Chef:  Elementary school alumni?
Jimbo:  That's as far as most of us got. You think we have a shot at beating the spread against Middlepark this year?
Chef:  I don't know. Wha, what's the spread?
Jimbo:  Middlepark by 70 points.
Chef:  Hmmm.

[On playing field]

Cartman runs into Kenny, fumbling the football

[On sideline]
Chef:  I don't think we have a chance.
Jimbo:  Nonsense! Not with my nephew at quarterback. Right Stanley?

[On playing field]

Stan looks towards sideline as ball is snapped.
Cartman:  Eh.
Stan:  Huh?

Ball snaps Stan in the head.

Stan picks up ball and throws it to Kyle.

[On sideline]
Jimbo:  Thatta boy.
Chef:  Great pass Stan.
Jimbo:  Come on Ned, we gotta get our asses to the booky.

[On sideline after practice]
Chef:  Ok. That was a good practice children. We'll see you here again tomorrow.
Kyle:  Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?
Stan:  Yeh, he must have followed me to football practice. You see, he is smart.
Kid:  Ah, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time.
Stan:  Yeh, but my dog found his own way here. That makes him smarter than your-

[Dog whimpering and panting]
Stan:  Sparky, get down!
Kid:  Oh my God! What is he doing to my dog?
Cartman:  There he goes again.
Stan:  Get down Sparky! Down!
Cartman:  Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual.
Kid:  Make him stop!

Rex runs away with tail between legs
Rex:  Yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe!

Bully1:  I'm sure glad my dog isn't gay.
Bully2:  Yeh, maybe you should name your dog Sparkette, Stan.
Bully1:  Gay dog.


Sparky walks up panting

[Mr. Garrison's Classroom]
Cartman:  And so you see, Simon & Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television.
Mr. Garrison:  Thank you for that presentation Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a D minus.
Cartman:  Ah, damnit.
Mr. Garrison:  Who should we call on next Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat:  Well, how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?
Mr. Garrison:  Oh, good idea. Ok Stanley, you're next.
Stan:  Um, I'm not really prepared either.
Mr. Garrison:  Well, just make something up, like Eric did.
Stan:  Ok, uh. Asian culture has, plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it-
Mr. Garrison:  Excellent. A minus.
Cartman:  Eh.
Stan:  Wow, cool!
Cartman:  Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an A minus
Mr. Garrison:  Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middlepark cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star atheletes better cause they're better people.
Cartman:  That's not fair!
Mr. Hat:  Life isn't fair kiddo, get used to it.
Cartman:  Stupid puppet.

Bell rings
Mr. Garrison:  Don't forget your assignments tonight children, they're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan.
Stan:  Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question?
Mr. Garrison:  Well of course Stanley, what is it?
Stan:  What's a - homosexual?
Mr. Garrison:  Hoh, well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person. Sit down.

Stan sits
Mr. Garrison:  Stanley, gay people...well, gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine.
Mr. Garrison:  But rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea sized brains which becomes the cause of their Naziesque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?
Stan:  I guess.
Mr. Garrison:  Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk Stanley. Now you go outside and practice football like a good little heterosexual.

[Coming off the bus]
Cartman:  You guys see me block that defense today, I was kicking ass.
Kyle:  You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the cowboys.
Cartman:  Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog.
Stan:  Shut up dude!

Sparky comes up panting with pink scarf on
Stan:  Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?
Sparky:  Bark, bark.
Cartman:  Man, that is the gayest dog I've ever seen.
Stan:  He just needs some training, that's all.
Stan:  Sit Sparky.

Sparky sits
Stan:  Good boy, now shake.

Sparky shakes.
Stan:  Goood boy. Now, don't be gay. Don't be gay Spark. Don't be gay.

Sparky looks at Stan with confusion
Sparky:  Grrh
Kyle:  Did it work?
Stan:  I don't know.
Cartman:  He still looks pretty gay to me.
Bully1:  Huh, huh.
Bully2:  Hey Stan, your dog been to any pride marches lately?
Bully1:  Huh huh, yeh, maybe you should take him to a Barbara Streisand concert.

Bully1:  Stupid little gay dog.
Bully2:  Gay dog.
Stan:  Come on you guys, I have an idea.

Ned and Jimbo enter Sports Book $
Jimbo:  I want 500 dollars on the South Park Cows.
Booky:  Are you crazy?
Jimbo:  No siree. I'm telling you, I got the line. My nephew Stan is the best quarterback the school has ever seen. I guarantee they'll beat the spread.
Gambler1:  I want to put all my money on the cows.
Gambler2:  Duh, duh, I think I'll put 300 on the cows too.
Gambler3:  Hey, I want to put some money on the cows too.
Gambler4:  I got 500 on the cows.
Gambler5:  Well, I'll put money on the cows.
Jimbo:  Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get too carried away now, Iiii.
Gambler6:  You better be right about this Jimbo.
Jimbo:  Hehe, yeh. Don't, don't worry yourself.
Ned:  Are you sure Stan is that good?
Jimbo:  Not that sure. I think we better come up with a backup plan. Uhh, let's see here. Hey bookie! Wha, what's the halftime show gonna be?
Booky:  You haven't heard! John Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing 'Loving You'.
Ned:  I love that song.
Jimbo:  Loving You'. That's perfect! Come on Ned, Middlepark's gonna get a Halftime show they'll never forget.

[Cut to commercial]

[In front of Stan's house]

There's a large crate sitting next to the kids.
Stan:  Ok Sparky, we got you a present. Now why don't...

Stan notices pink scarf on Sparky
Stan:  Damn it Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?!?

Stan tears scarf off of Sparky
Stan:  No pink bandanas Sparky, bad dog! Now pay attention. Sparky,

Stan opens crate.
Stan:  this is Fifi.
Kyle:  Oolala

Fifi sniffs some

Sparky goes after Fifi
Cartman:  There he goes.
Stan:  Atta boy Spark, get her.

Sparky jumps on Fifi.
Stan:  Yes!

Sparky throws Fifi's collar into the air, catching it on his neck.
Stan:  Ah crap! Now what do I do?
Kyle:  Who cares if your dog is gay? Maybe it's not that bad.
Cartman:  No way dude, my mom says God hates gay people. That's why he smote those sodomies in France.
Kenny:  Mrmmph
Stan:  I know, Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil, but, but Sparky doesn't seem evil.
Kyle:  Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask somebody else.
Stan:  Like who?

[Inside Stan's house]

Jesus and Pal's title screen is on TV
TV Announcer:  And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access.
Jesus:  Yea, many of you are seeking answers, and I am the way for you my children. Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions.
Jesus:  Hello caller, you're on the air.

Robert:  Yeh, is, is this Jesus?
Jesus:  Yes my son.
Robert:  This, this is Robert from Torrey Pines. I called last week asking for advice on my ex-wife.
Jesus:  Of course Robert. How are things now?
Robert:  Well, every, everything's much better Jesus. She hasn't mouthed off since. I just wanted to thank you for the advice. Oh, and for, for dying for my sins, that was really nice of you.
Jesus:  Blessed art though Robert. Next caller, you're on the air.

Stan:  Uh, hi, Jesus. I, I have a dog, and he's a, he's a homosexual.
Jesus:  My son, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on homosexuality is. So I'd like to state once and for all, my true opinion. You see...
TV Announcer:  That's all the time we've left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews.
Stan:  Damn it!
Kyle:  What'd he say?
Stan:  I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews.
Cartman:  Oh, Marty's Movie Reviews are on, kiick ass!
Stan:  Isn't there anybody who can help me? Isn't there anybody who cares?
Kyle:  Come on dude, we have to get to practice.
Stan:  No, it's not ok! I don't want a gay dog! I want a butch dog! I want a Rin-tin-tin!

Sparky:  Arf.

Sparky dig's a hole under the fence.

Sparky runs away.

[On the sideline at practice]
Chef:  Now children, we've got to handle the ball better. You got to hold your football like you hold your lover.

Music Starts
Chef:  Gently...yet firmly. You gonna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh yeh, just like you're givin' sweet love to the football. Nnnaughty with the football. Mmmm.
Kyle:  Uh, Chef?
Chef:  Spank it, ever so gently.
Kyle:  Chef?
Chef:  Spank it.
Kyle:  Chef!
Chef:  Oh, uhhh, sorry children. Uhh, let's run some plays.
Pip:  Uh, Mr. Chef sir?
Chef:  No Pip, we still don't have a helmet for you.
Pip:  Righto, but how about I use a helmet today, and one of the other children goes without?
Chef:  That wouldn't be very fair to the other children, now would it?
Pip:  No I, I guess not.

[Carl's Bombs and Explosives and Accessories]
Jimbo:  What we want to do here Carl is put a trigger on that bomb that makes it go off at a specific moment during halftime.
Carl:  What moment would that be?
Jimbo:  Well, John Stamos' older brother is all set to sing 'Loving You' during halftime. We want that bomb to go off when he hits that high F.
Carl:  What high F?
Jimbo:  You know, [singing, badly] Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo...Ahhhhh
Carl:  Right, right, so you want the trigger on the doo-nn-doo.
Jimbo:  No, damnit! The Ahhhhh.
Carl:  Ahhhhhh.
Ned:  Ahhhhhh.
Jimbo:  Ahhhhhh.
Carl:  Ahhhhhh.
Jimbo:  Great, we...
Carl:  Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo - Ahhh.
Ned:  Doo-nn-doo-doo
Jimbo:  You got it...
Carl:  Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo...
Ned:  ahh - dooo
Jimbo:  Ahhhhhh.
Carl:  Alright, yeh, ok...

[On the sideline at practice]
Chef:  What's the matter Stan, you seem down.
Stan:  I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay.
Mr. Garrison:  Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda.
Chef:  Say what?!? You of all people should be sympathetic.
Mr. Garrison:  What do you mean?
Chef:  Well, you're gay aren't you?
Mr. Garrison:  What?!? What the hell are you talking about?!? I am not gay.
Chef:  Well, you sure do act like it.
Mr. Garrison:  I just act that way to get chicks, dumb ass.

Chef looks puzzlingly, but wonderingly

[On the field]
Kyle:  What's the matter dude?
Stan:  I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice.
Cartman:  Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants.

Stan punches Cartman
Cartman:  Ow!

[Snowy mountains]

Sparky is trekking throught the snow.

Sparky comes to Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary
Big Gay Al:  Hello there little pup, I'm Big Gay Al.

Sparky looks at him
Big Gay Al:  Have you been outcast?

Sparky pants an affirmative
Big Gay Al:  Well, then I'm so glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. We're all big gay friends here. Would you like to live with us?

Sparky pants an affirmative
Big Gay Al:  Come on in little fellow, nobody will ever oppress you here.

[Bus Stop]
Stan:  Have you guys seen Sparky, he still hasn't come back.
Kyle:  Wow, it's been like two days.
Stan:  I think he might've run away.
Cartman:  Did you check the shopping m....

Stan punches Cartman
Cartman:  Ow!
Kyle:  We'll help you look for him after the game Stan.
Stan:  I'm not playing.
Kyle:  You what!?!
Stan:  'm not playing in that stupid game. I have to find my dog.

[Middlepark School]
Jimbo:  [Whisper]Come on Ned, and keep quiet.
Ned:  [Louder than Jimbo]Ok

[In front of Middlepark's Mascot, Enrique]
Jimbo:  Hello there Enrique.
Ned:  What are we doing here?
Jimbo:  Well Ned, we always kidnapped Middlepark's mascot. But this year we're gonna booby-trap it instead.

Jimbo puts bomb on Enrique's back
Jimbo:  And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in 'Loving You', Boom!

Enrique gets wide-eyed
Jimbo:  No more Middlepark players.
Ned:  Hahahahaha

Jimbo laughs
Jimbo:  God damn, I love football!

[Stormy mountains]
Stan:  Sparky! Where are you?!? Where could he be?

[South Park Elementary]

Middlepark players exit bus.

[South Park Football Field]

A lot of Cows! fanfare, even Ike is wearing a shirt and bouncing about.
Frank Hammond:  Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900, Welcome to tonight's matchup between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows.
Frank Hammond:  Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach looks a little nervous. This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up.
Chef:  Ohhh, come on Stan.
Pip:  Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stan doesn't show up, can I use his helmet?
Chef:  No Pip, I'm sorry!

[Stormy mountains]
Stan:  Sparky! Sparky!

[Cut to Commercial]

[South Park Football Field]
Referee:  Play ball.
Chef:  You're gonna have to quarterback Kyle.
Kyle:  But I never practiced quarterback.
Chef:  It's a little late for the bull crap now.
Frank:  Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broslofski.
Mr. Garrison:  Hey, hey, where is little Stanley?
Mr. Hat:  Yeh, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing quarterback?
Jimbo:  Ned, look. They've got Enrique on their sideline, and it looks like that bomb's still attached.
Ned:  Yeah.

[Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary]
Big Gay Al:  Hi little fella, how are you doing today?
Stan:  Fine, how are you?
Big Gay Al:  I'm super, thanks for asking.
Stan:  My gay dog ran away, and I was wondering if maybe he came here.
Big Gay Al:  Well, let's see. Come on in. Hmm.

Stan goes into Big Gay Al's
Stan:  Do you have lots of gay dogs here?
Big Gay Al:  We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we have a gay lion.
Gay Lion:  Rooaar
Big Gay Al:  And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds, here's a gaggle of gay gooses. Hi fellas, it's so super to see you!
Stan:  Wow, seems like the animals here are really happy.
Big Gay Al:  Of course they are silly buns. It's the one place where gay animals can really be themselves. Would you like to dance?

[On the Dance Floor]

Cheesy disco like music plays
Vocalist:  [Singing]Oww, we can all be gay!

[In the huddle]
Stan:  Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it or something. Ready?!?
Huddle:  Break!

[At the line of scrimmage]
Cowboy 1:  You guys are toast.
Cowboy 2:  Yeh, we're gonna pound your heads in.
Cartman:  We'll just see about that.
Kyle:  Set, set.

Cartman farts long and nasty
Kyle:  Damn it Cartman!

Kyle runs back from Cartman's gas
Chef:  What's the matter?
Kyle:  Cartman farted!
Cartman:  No I didn't. That was just my shoes.
Chef:  Come on Cows, we'll get a delay of game penalty.
Kyle:  No way dude!
Chef:  Hike the ball.

Kyle approaches Cartman with his shirt covering his nose.
Kyle:  Ah, dude, weak.
Cartman:  That's right, you get back there.
Kyle:  Hut.

Kyle takes the snap.

The ball is snapped. Middle Park blitzes.

Screaming as Kyle is mobbed by the Middle Park blitz.
Jimbo:  Hell's bells.
Frank:  Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King.

Phil covers the mic.
Phil:  Now Frank, that's not very PC. You're gonna get us in trouble again.
Frank:  Right, right, uh. I gotta watch that.
Townsman 1:  We lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna hang you up to dry Jimbo.
Jimbo:  Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime, hehe.

[Big Gay Al's dance floor]
Vocalist:  Funkay, funkay.

Stan is gettin' down with a monkey.

Stan sees Sparky
Stan:  Sparky! Hiya Sparky, how's it goin'?
Sparky:  Ruff.
Stan:  I missed you old pal, you really had me scared.
Sparky:  Barr.
Stan:  Come on, let's go home. I can still make it in time for the game.

Sparky follows Stan
Stan:  We can work on making you not gay together.

Sparky stops
Stan:  Sparky?
Big Gay Al:  Young man, it appears you still don't understand.
Stan:  What don't I understand?
Big Gay Al:  Come this way, I have to show you something.

[South Park Football Field]
Frank:  With just over a minute to go in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows 0.
Kyle:  Hut, hut.

Cartman snaps the ball to Kyle

Cowboys blitz

Kyle flips ball back to Pip, who is still without a helmet.

Pip is dogpiled by what could be the entire Cowboys team
Frank:  Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant.
Phil:  Dude! Now that is not cool.
Frank:  Sorry, sorry.

[Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride]
Big Gay Al:  Ok Stan, I think you should get in line for my Big Gay Boat Ride.

Stan looks at boat
Big Gay Al:  Step aboard Stanley.

Stan gets on board, with Sparky
Big Gay Al:  Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride. On this adventure we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time.

[South Park Football Field]
Frank:  And the South Park Cows are set to receive...

Cowboys kick off
Frank:  There's the kick.

Kenny takes the kick.
Frank:  It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick

Kenny weaves through the special teams
Frank:  He's at the 50, the 40, the 30.
Cowboys:  Hold him, hold him!

Two Cowboys take hold of Kenny's arms
Cowboys:  Hold him, hold him!
Cowboy:  Yahhh!

A Third Cowboy dives in, taking Kenny's head off, as the other two sever Kenny's arms.
Frank:  The running back is down. I think he's...

Rats come in to devour Kenny's corpse.
Frank:  Yes, he's been decaptitated.
Kyle:  Huh! Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You Bastards!
Phil:  That's gotta hurt Frank.
Frank:  Ouch-a-roo
Chef:  Hey, come on. That was roughing. At least let us scrape him off the field.
Frank:  Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even going to beat the 72 point spread. Not by a long shot.

[Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride]
Big Gay Al:  You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of time. From the Egyptian pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan.

A shot of Hitler, a priest and a suit beating up a gay guy.
Big Gay Al:  Uh oh, look out, it's the oppressors. Christians and republicans and nazis, oh my!

Big Gay Al fires off a shot with his revolver
Big Gay Al:  Ohhh! Oh God, that was close. Ok, let's steer our Big Gay Boat out of here and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely.

Doors open to reveal a scene right out of 'It's a Small World'
Small World Singers:  We're all gay, and it's ok, 'cause gay means happy and happy means gay. We're not sad anymore, cause we're out the closet door. It's ok, hey, to be gay!
Big Gay Al:  Sooo, what do you think Stan?
Stan:  This kicks ass! I'm sorry I tried to change you Spark, I just didn't understand.
Big Gay Al:  Isn't this precious?

[South Park Football Field]
Frank:  And now, here to sing the touching song, 'Loving You' is the one and only, John Stamos' brother...
Jimbo:  Alright Richard!

Music Starts
Richard:  [Singing] Loving you, is easy cause you're beautiful - doo-n-doo--doo-doooo--Ahhhh

Music Stops
Richard:  Ahhhh
Jimbo:  What the hell?!?
Richard:  Ahhhh
Jimbo:  He didn't sing the high F.

Richard continues to Ahhhh, badly
Mr. Garrison:  Richard Stamos can't sing a high F, he always screws it up like this
Jimbo:  Ned, we are going to get our asses kicked.
Richard:  Lalalala
Mr. Garrison:  It's obvious where all the talent in that family went!

[Outside of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary]
Stan:  Thanks for everything Big Gay Al!
Sparky:  Ruff!
Big Gay Al:  No problem kids. Are you sure you don't wanna stay for some toasted cheese sandwiches?
Stan:  No thanks, I've gotta get back for the big football game. Come on boy!

Stan and Sparky start to walk off
Big Gay Al:  Oh Stan?

Stan and Sparky stop
Big Gay Al:  When you get back to town, tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes, desperately.
Stan:  I will Big Gay Al, I will.

Stan and Sparky start to walk off
Big Gay Al:  Ooh, my carrot cake!

[South Park Football Field]
Kyle:  Hike!

Sounds of football war, as the Cowboys continue to tear apart the cows
Frank:  And these South Park Cows are being absolutely molested by Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children since...
Mr. Garrison:  I thought you said beating the spread was a sure thing Jimbo.
Townsman 1:  Yeh, we all put our life savings in this game
Townsman 2:  You're a dead man Jimbo

An assortment of food products are thrown at Jimbo.
Frank:  Well, this should just about wrap it up for....

Stan and Sparky come on to the field.
Frank:  Wait a minute, what's this?
Crowd:  Yeah!!!
Frank:  It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback!
Chef:  Where the hell have you been Stan?!?
Stan:  I've been getting my best friend back.
Chef:  Just get in there boy!
Jimbo:  Give 'em hell Stanley!

Stan gets in at quarterback
Jimbo:  Jesus, now I haven't asked you for much, but all we need is one little score. Please? Please, Jesus?
Jesus:  Leave me alone.
Stan:  Hike
Frank:  Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass.
Kyle:  Hey Stan, I'm open, I think.
Stan:  Ehh.
Frank:  And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid.

Kyle runs towards the end zone, panting, Cowboys hot on his trail.
Frank:  Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!
Phil:  Dude!

Random screaming sounds as the Cowboys fail to keep Kyle from scoring.
Frank:  Touchdown!
Jimbo:  Yeh!
Mr. Garrison:  Wooo!
Frank:  The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6. South Park beats the spread!
Jimbo:  Yeh! Woohoo!

Stan gets on stage by scoreboard
Townsman:  Speech!
Frank:  Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory?
Stan:  It's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys.
Crowd:  Yeah, alright!
Stan:  And maybe we can beat 'em even more next year!
Crowd:  Woooo
Stan:  And it's ok to be gay!

Jimbo:  What?!?
Stan:  Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful thing.
Mr. Garrison:  What the hell is he talking about?!?
Frank:  Uhh, Stanley, you arrived very late in the game, where were you that whole time?
Stan:  I was with my new friend, Big Gay Al. He showed me his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary, and took me on a Big Gay Boat Ride, where I learned all about the wonders of gaiety

Crowd looks at Stan in disbelief
Stan:  It's true, I'll show you.

[Where Big Gay Al's is supposed to be, on the mountain]
Stan:  But it was here. It was all right here. The, there was a techno dance club.
Cartman:  Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright, seriously. I'm worried about you man.
Townswoman:  Oliver, I thought you ran away all those months ago.
Townsperson 1:  Sidney!
Townsperson 2:  Whinny!
Townsperson 3:  Carlos!

Stan sees Big Gay Al
Big Gay Al:  I want to thank you so much for bringing everybody here.
Stan:  Oh, there you are dude. How's it going?
Big Gay Al:  I'm super, thanks for asking. It looks like now my work here is done.

Big Gay Al climbs into his suitcase
Big Gay Al:  Goodbye Stanley, peace be with you.
Stan:  Wow!

Big Gay Al's suitcase flys off
Richard:  You guys, you guys! I can do it.
Mr. Garrison:  Do what?
Richard:  Loving you is easy cause your beautiful, doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-dooo
Jimbo:  No!
Richard:  Ahhh
Enrique:  Mroo
Bomb:  Boom!