Episode 101 - Cartman Gets An Anal Probe

[At the bus stop]

Boys:  [Singing]School day, school day, teacher's golden rule...
Kyle:  Ah, damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school, again.
Ike:  Zeeponanner
Kyle:  Ike, you can't come to school with me.

Ike makes some baby speak
Cartman:  Yeah, go home you little dildo.
Kyle:  Dude, don't call my brother a dildo!
Stan:  What's a dildo?
Kyle:  Well, I don't know... and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either.
Cartman:  I know what it means!
Kyle:  Well, what?
Cartman:  I'm not telling you.
Stan:  What's a dildo Kenny?
Kenny:  Mrmmrmpmpmp

Cartman:  Huh, yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right!

Kyle swings Ike by his feet, knocking Cartman down
Cartman:  Ow!

Ike laughs
Stan:  Dude! That kicks ass!
Kyle:  Yeah, check this one out. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike:  Don't kick the baby.
Kyle:  Kick the baby.

Kyle kicks Ike.

Ike flings into four mailboxes, knocking them down.

Cartman yawns
Stan:  Whoa, Cartman, looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
Cartman:  That's 'cause I was having these bogus nightmares.
Kyle:  Really? What about?
Cartman:  Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed... in the dark. When all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room. Then slowly my bedroom door begin to open and the next thing I remember I was being drug through a hallway. Then I was lying on a table and these scary hands wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black eyes.

Through his dialogue it shows Cartman being drug through a hallway and aliens pulling his pants down.

Stan:  Dude! Visitors!
Kyle:  Totally!
Cartman:  What?
Stan:  That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were visitors!
Cartman:  No, it was just a dream, my mom said so.
Stan:  Visitors are real.
Kyle:  Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows.
Cartman:  Oh, shut-up guys you're just trying to make me scared. And it's not working.

Chef drives up and gets out of the car.
Chef:  Hello there, children.
Boys:  Hey, Chef.
Stan:  What's going to be for lunch today?
Chef:  Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole... or vegetable medley.
Cartman:  Kick ass.
Chef:  Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship last night?
Cartman:  Huh.
Kyle:  Yeah, fat boy saw it!
Cartman:  Eh, no, that, that was just a dream... and I'm not fat, I'm big boned.
Chef:  Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes?
Cartman:  Oh!
Stan:  They took him on their ship.
Chef:  Oh! Did they give you an anal probe?
Cartman:  Oh!
Kyle:  What's an anal probe?
Chef:  That's when they put a big metal hooba-jube up yo' butt.
Kyle:  Whoa, they gave you an anal probe Cartman?
Cartman:  No! I I mean, eh, why would they do that?
Stan:  Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass?!?
Cartman:  No!
Ike:  Ahal probe
Cartman:  Shut-up dildo!
Chef:  Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You boys watch that fat boy now. He could be under alien control.

Chef walks back to his car, there is a picture of an alien that says BELIEVE below it on his shirt.

Chef drives off.

Kyle:  We told you they were real Cartman. Sorry to hear about your ass.
Cartman:  God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass. It was just a dream.

They start to file onto the bus.
Kyle:  Why are you walkin' so funny Cartman?
Cartman:  Shut-up!

Ike waddles by.
Ike:  I play today.
Kyle:  No, Ike, go home. This is it, this ones for the game.
Ike:  Purple.
Kyle:  Kick the baby!

Kyle kicks Ike, who flies through the first window of the school bus and crashes out through the other side.

[On The Bus]
Stan:  Good morning, Miss Crabtree.
Ms. Crabtree:  Sit down! We're runnin' late!

The bus starts to drive down the road with Ike standing at the bus stop.

Kyle:  Damn it, he's still there.
Stan:  Oh, don't worry about him.
Kyle:  No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me.
Ms. Crabtree:  I SAID SIT DOWN!
Stan:  Yeah, whatever ya fat bitch!
Ms. Crabtree:  What did you say?
Stan:  I said I have a bad itch.
Ms. Crabtree:  Oh.

Kyle sees two aliens holding Ike.

Kyle:  Huh! Oh my god! Visitors

Kenny mumbles something and then squeezes his coat tighter.
Kyle:  Ike!

Kyle runs to the front of the bus
Kyle:  Stop the bus! Miss Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!
Ms. Crabtree:  Do you want an office referral?
Kyle:  No.
Ms. Crabtree:  Then sit down!
Kyle:  But I...
Ms. Crabtree:  Ahhhh!
Kyle:  Ahhhh!
Kyle, Ms. Crabtree:  Ahhhh!

Kyle runs back to his seat.
Stan:  Cartman, are those the same visitors you saw?
Cartman:  Shut-up you guys it's not working.
Kyle:  We have to do something.
Stan:  Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch won't let us.
Ms. Crabtree:  What did you say?
Stan:  Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
Ms. Crabtree:  Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.

The bus swerves flinging kids into one side of the bus.
Kyle:  What am I going to do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens.

Stan farts
Kyle:  You farted.

Cartman:  Somebody's baking brownies.

[Farmer's grazing fields with a mutilated cow]
Farmer:  This is the third cow this month. At this rate all of my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through.
Cow:  Moo
Officer Barbrady:  This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.

Cows nod "no".
Farmer:  People's been saying they've been seeing UFO's around.
Officer Barbrady:  UFO's?

Officer Barbrady laughs.
Farmer:  Yeah, and black army, CIA helicopters and trucks.
Officer Barbrady:  That is the silliest thing I've ever heard.

Helicopters fly above the sky.
Farmer:  What was that?
Officer Barbrady:  That, that was a pigeon.
Farmer:  What am I supposed to do, Barbrady? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one.

Alien waves a piece of hay.

Alien whistles

The cows start running away from them.
Farmer:  Hey! My cattle!

"Cattle Ranch" sign falls down.
Farmer:  You see, there is somethin' funny goin' on!
Officer Barbrady:  There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back.

[Mr. Garrison's class]
Mr. Garrison:  And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus'.
Mr. Hat:  That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indian's best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a, and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France....
Kyle:  Oh, man. I can't just sit here, I have to help my stupid brother, I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling Where's your brother, Kyle?" "You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?" ...
Stan:  Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him.
Kyle:  ... "You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!" "Brush and floss, Kyle!" "Where has that finger been, Kyle?"
Stan:  Dude!
Mr. Garrison:  Is there a problem, boys?
Kyle:  Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.
Mr. Garrison:  Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?
Kyle:  No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens. [a silence] It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe.
Cartman:  Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's just a little joke. Heh, heh.

Kyle walks up to Mr. Garrison's desk.
Kyle:  Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison:  I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle:  I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!
Mr. Garrison:  Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle:  Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Hat:  Well, Kyle. No!! No, No, No! I'm Mr. Hat and you're, you're a little turd! You hear me?!? You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Mr. Garrison:  Hmm, I guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle.
Kyle:  Damn it!
Mr. Garrison:  Ok Mr. Hat, Why don't we talk to the children about Columbus' uterus? ...Mr. Hat? Oh great, now Mr. Hat's all pissed off!
Kyle:  Fuck Mr. Hat
Mr. Garrison:  No no no, Fuck You
Cartman:  Hah, hah. Mr. Hat yelled at you.

Cartman farts fire.
Cartman:  Ow! My ass!

[Gasp ]
Kyle:  Dude.
Stan:  Damn, Cartman.

Cartman farts fire
Cartman:  Ow! My ass!
Kyle:  Dude, he's farting fire.
Stan:  It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum.
Cartman:  No, that was just a dream.
Mr. Garrison:  Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control.
Cartman:  No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine.

Cartman farts fire, lighting up a little Pip.

Pip runs around the room on fire.

[Cut to Commercial]

[Train Tracks]
Conductor:  Hey, you cows can't get on this train! This is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, all right? 'Cause your cows.

The cows are all staring at the conductor.
Conductor:  No, no, no. Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right? 'Cause it's not gonna work.

Officer Barbrady drives by with his lights flashing.
Officer Barbrady:  Hold it right there, cows!

Cows split up and run off mooing.
Officer Barbrady:  Come back here!

Kid 1:  So then I had ...
Kid 2:  Ya, seriously, killer.

Cartman farts fire.
Cartman:  Oh, ooh, I sure am hungry.
Stan:  How can you eat when you're farting fire?
Cartman:  Shut-up, dude, you're being totally immature.
Kyle:  Hey, look, there's Wendy Testeburger.
Stan:  Huh, where?

Love music plays while hearts dance around Stan's head.
Cartman:  Stan wants to kiss... Wendy Testeburger.
Stan:  Shut-up, fat ass, I don't even like her.
Cartman:  I'm not fat... and you obviously like her because you throw up every time she talks to you.
Stan:  I do not.
Wendy:  Hi, guys.
Kyle, Cartman:  Hi, Wendy.
Wendy:  Here, Stan. This is for you.

Wendy hands Stan a note

Stan throws up.
Wendy:  Eww!
Kyle, Cartman:  Bye, Wendy.
Kyle:  Dude, what does the note say?
Stan:  Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's pond after school.
Kyle:  Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman:  Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny:  Mhhmhmmmh
Stan:  What? How do you know she has a cat?


Kenny laughs

Kyle:  Come on you guys, we need to figure out how to get out of school so we can get my little brother back.
Chef:  Hello, there, children.
Boys:  Hey, Chef.
Chef:  How are you doing?
Kyle:  Bad.
Chef:  Why bad?
Kyle:  Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?
Chef:  Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up.
Chef:  [Singing]I'm gonna make love to ya woman, gonna lay you down by the fire. And caress your womanly body, make ya moan and perspire. Gonna ...
Stan:  Uh, Chef.
Chef:  ... get those juices flowin'...
Stan:  Chef!
Chef:  ... we makin' love, baby, love, baby, love, love, love, love, love, baby! ...
Stan:  Chef!
Chef:  ...love... huh? Do you feel better?
Kyle:  No.
Chef:  Oh, come on children, what could be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day.
Stan:  Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.
Chef:  What?!?

Chef tosses a food tray aside and runs to the other side of the counter
Chef:  What the hell do you think you're doing in school eatin' Salisbury steak? Go find him damn it!
Kyle:  Mr. Garrison won't let us out of school. He thinks we're making it up.
Cartman:  You are making it up.

Cartman farts fire.

The anal probe pops out with a big eye ball.

The probe moves around and puts it's metal arms on it's hip.
Stan:  Whoa!

The probe goes back into Cartman's ass.
Cartman:  What?
Kyle:  That was cool!
Chef:  It's some kind of symbiotic, metamorphosis device. This could mean the visitors want to communicate with us.
Cartman:  Oh, I see. Now you're going to join in on the little joke huh?
Chef:  It's no joke, children, this is big!
Kyle:  Please, chef, if I don't get out of school and get my little brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me.
Chef:  Ahh, hold on, hold on now. [To himself]You, you you, gotta help the children.
Cartman:  You guys sure are going a long ways to try and scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!

Chef pulls on the fire drill.
Chef:  Fire drill! Fire drill! Everybody out! Okay children, this is your chance!
Stan:  Killer, thanks Chef.
Chef:  Man oh man, first contact with the alien visitors. I've got to get myself ready.

Boys:  [Singing]We got out of school! No more school today, we got out of school...

Cartman farts fire
Cartman:  Oh, you guys, my ass, seriously.
Stan:  Okay, Cartman, we got out of school, you can stop farting fire now.
Cartman:  I would if I could you son of a bitch!
Kyle:  Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?
Cartman:  Would you stop going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream. I know I didn't have an anal probe. And I know that I am not under alien control!

Lightning strikes Cartman and he gets big blushy cheeks and starts to sing.

Cartman:  I love to sing-a! About the moon-a and June-a and the spring-a. I love to sing-a about a sky of blue-a or a tea or a two-a


[Dogs barking in the background]
Stan:  What the hell was that?
Kyle:  He is under alien control. That thing in his butt is linked up to the visitors!
Cartman:  Ah, son of a bitch!

[Cut to Commercial]

Cartman:  You guys, shut-up! I'm not under alien control.
Kyle:  [Into Cartman's ear]Hey, if you visitors can hear me, bring me back my little brother god damn it!
Cartman:  Ow! That hurts you buttlicker!

Spaceship hovers over them
Stan:  Kyle, look! It's them.
Kyle:  Give me back my brother!

He then throws a rock at the spaceship.

Spaceship fires back with a flash of light hitting Kenny and knocking him into the road.

Stan:  Oh my god! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle:  You bastards! Come back here! Come back! Damn it, we were so close.
Stan:  Hey look, I think Kenny's okay.

Kenny gets up.
Kenny:  No, I, I'm alright. Ahhhh!

Cows run over Kenny.
Stan:  Owww.

Kenny gets up again.
Kenny:  Nope, I'm fine. Ah!

Police car runs over Kenny

Kenny is knocked to the side of the road.

Kenny is dead.

Stan:  Wow, poor Kenny.
Kyle:  Now do you believe us Cartman?
Cartman:  No!
Kyle:  Cartman, they killed Kenny!
Cartman:  He's not dead.

Stan picks up a stick and hits Kenny's bloody body.

Stan:  Dude, Kenny is dead. See.
Cartman:  Shut-up you guys.
Kyle:  He's dead.

He takes Kenny's head and pulls it off.

Cartman:  God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe! Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.
Kyle:  Go on and go home you fat chicken!
Cartman:  Dildo!
Kyle:  You're all I have left Stan.
Stan:  Sorry, dude, I gotta go meet Wendy Testeburger.
Kyle:  You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared up there all alone. You gotta help me dude!

Rats feast upon Kenny's body.

Stan:  Dude, like Chef says, I've gotta get a piece of lovin' while the gettin's hot.

Rats drag Kenny's head off
Kyle:  Rats.

[Cartman's house]
Mrs. Cartman:  Hello, Eric
Cartman:  Hi, mom!
Mrs. Cartman:  How are you doing?
Cartman:  Well, I'm pissed off.
Mrs. Cartman:  Here, I made you powdered donut pancake surprise.
Cartman:  I don't want powdered donut pancake surprise. All the kids at school call me fat!
Mrs. Cartman:  You're not fat, you're big boned.
Cartman:  That's what I said.
Mrs. Cartman:  You can have an insy weensy bit, can't you?
Cartman:  No!
Mrs. Cartman:  Just a weensy insy woo woo?
Cartman:  No! Leave me alone, mom!
Mrs. Cartman:  How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie, then?
Cartman:  What? Well, that does sound pretty good. Un, mom?
Mrs. Cartman:  Yes, hon?
Cartman:  If anybody calls or comes over, I'm not here, okay?
Mrs. Cartman:  Sure, hon. You want some cheesy poofs, too?
Cartman:  Yeah, I want cheesy poofs.

[Stark's Pond]
Kyle:  Well, it looks like she's not going to show up Stan. Let's go look for the visitors, now.
Stan:  But her note said she'd be here.
Wendy:  Hi, Stan.

Stan throws up.

Wendy:  Eww!
Kyle:  You can't talk to Stan Wendy. He throws up when you do.
Wendy:  But why Stan?

Stan pukes

Wendy:  Eww!
Kyle:  Look, can you guys just get down to business so I can go find my little brother.
Wendy:  Huh?
Kyle:  Just make sweet love down by the fire.
Wendy:  What happened to your little brother?

[Cartman's house]
Reporter:  As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park. These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns.

The TV shows the patterns resemble Cartman.

Cartman:  Hey, that kind of looks like... Tom Selleck.
Reporter:  Could it be that aliens are trying to make contact with us, here on earth.


Cartman realizes the kitty wants his pot pie.
Cartman:  No, kitty, this is mah pot pie.

Cartman:  No kitty, get back kitty

Cartman:  No kitty it's mah pot pie!

Cartman:  Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!
Mrs. Cartman:  Well, then I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with mommy tonight.
Cartman:  What?

[Stark's Pond]
Kyle:  Now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed.
Wendy:  Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?
Kyle:  Why?
Wendy:  Well, if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the visitors are using him as part of their plan. You should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back.
Kyle:  Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on Stan, we have to go get Cartman.
Wendy:  Come on, Stan.

He throws up again.

Wendy:  Eww!
Stan:  Hey, wait, when do I get to make sweet love?

A bird flies into his puke and starts waddling around in it.

[Cartman's House]

Cartman:  No, kitty, you can't have any!

Cartman:  No, kitty, this is mah pot pie. Bad kitty!

Cartman farts fire, setting the cat ablaze

Cartman:  Eh, 'scuse me, Kitty.

Mrs. Cartman enters the room with Kyle, Stan and Wendy.

Mrs. Cartman:  Eric, look who's here.
Cartman:  Dude, weak mom.
Kyle:  Come on Eric, we're going to go play at the bus stop.
Cartman:  I can't, my mom said...
Mrs. Cartman:  That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends.
Cartman:  [Quietly]But mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends.
Mrs. Cartman:  Don't be difficult, Eric! Uh hum, now you go out and play in the fun snow.
Cartman:  Oh, god damn it!

The kitty then runs by in flames.


Cartman's foot is tied to a tree.

Cartman:  You guys, I have to get home.
Stan:  Don't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again.

Cartman kicks his foot to try to get loose.

Cartman:  Oh, man, this sucks.
Kyle:  How come the visitors aren't coming for him.
Stan:  I think we have to signal them somehow.

Cartman farts fire

Cartman:  Ow!
Wendy:  Hey, he's like Rudolph.
Kyle:  Yeah, all you have to do is fart some more, Cartman! And the visitors are sure to come!
Cartman:  Really? Uh, I don't think I can fart anymore tonight.
Kyle:  Sure you do!
Stan:  Come on Cartman, fart!
Cartman:  I don't wanna.
Stan:  He can't hold it in forever.
Kyle:  Fart, damn you!
Cartman:  Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!

Cartman Farts.

An anal probe comes out of his butt and turns into an 80-foot satellite.
Cartman:  I'm sick of it! It's completely immature.
Stan:  Hey, it's happening again.
Kyle:  Whoa, look at that.
Stan:  Now, do you believe us, Cartman?
Cartman:  You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up.
Stan:  Cartman, there's an 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass.
Cartman:  Sure, you guys, whatever.

[Chef's backyard]
Chef:  Oh, boy. The aliens are going to make first contact. Hey,down here, we are ready for your wisdom!

Chef looks at his watch.
Chef:  And you've only got 20 minutes before Sanford and Son is on.

Cartman:  You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off right now! I know there is no such things as aliens!

Three hover craft start flying above them.

A bigger spaceship floats above Cartman's head.

Cartman:  Oh, God damn it!

[Mr. Garrison's Car]
Mr. Garrison:  What the? I tell you, there are some crazy stuff going on in this town.
Mr. Hat:  You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.

Kyle:  Come down here you stinking aliens!

Four aliens appear.

Kyle:  Uh, uh.
Stan:  Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back.
Kyle:  Vi, Visitors, this morning you took my little brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... is a pretty special thing.
Stan:  Yeah.
Kyle:  Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.
Stan:  That was beautiful, dude.
Kyle:  Did it work?
Stan:  No, they're leaving.
Kyle:  Hey, you scrawny ass shithead, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!
Stan:  Whoa, dude!
Kyle:  You know what you fucking like, you like to !@#$% and !@#$% and !@#$% and !@#$% and !@#$% and !@#$%!
Stan:  Hey Wendy, what's a !@#$%?

The spaceship door opens, Ike is standing there.

Ike says something
Kyle:  Ike, jump down, now! For the love of god, Ike, jump!

Ike says something

The cows go up to the aliens and start mooing.
Alien:  Moo moo moo, moo moo moo, mooo

Alien:  Greetings, cows of Earth, we come in peace.
Cow:  Really??

Kyle:  Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice to you from now on!
Ike:  Don't kick the baby.

Alien:  We have experimented with all the beings of Earth, and we have learned that you are the most intelligent and wise.

Cartman:  What the hell are they talking about?

Cow:  Why did you turn some of us inside out?
Alien:  Oh, that was Carl's fault. He's new.
Alien(Carl):  Yeah, sorry about that, my bad!

Kyle:  Ike!

Alien:  Take this device. It's a gift from us.

The cows look at each other and moo in agreement.

Kyle:  Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!
Ike:  It's my turn!

Ike dives into the snow.

The satellite goes back into Cartman's butt.

Alien:  Farewell, cows, may peace be with you.

The aliens disappear

The spaceship pulls Cartman up but the rope keeps him hovering above the ground.

Cartman:  You guys, get me down from har!

Cartman farts fire, burns the rope.

Cartman goes up into the ship and the spaceship flies away.

Cartman:  Ow! Help! Sons of bitches! Dildo!
Stan:  Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle:  Yeah. Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike.
Ike:  Oh, he fly out of the sky.

[Chef's Backyard]
Chef:  Wait, where are you going alien visitors? Come back!

Blonde and a brunette walk over to Chef.
Blonde:  Well, Chef, where's this amazing thing you were going to show us.
Chef:  Well, it's in the bedroom, ladies. Come on in.

Kyle:  Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner.
Stan:  Thanks for your help, Wendy.
Wendy:  Whatever, dude.
Stan:  Hey, I didn't throw up.
Wendy:  Cool.

They both look at each other like they're going to kiss.

Wendy pucker up.

Stan vomits.

Wendy:  Eww!
Stan:  Sorry.
Wendy:  Hey, look. A french fry.
Stan:  Cool.
Wendy:  And what is that?
Stan:  I think it's part of a cheesy poof.

Chef's song starts up.
Wendy:  Hey, what's that?
Stan:  That's... a hamburger from... that's from, like, two days ago.
Wendy:  Hey, what about that?
Stan:  I don't know what the hell that is.

[Cut to Commercial]

[Bus Stop]
Stan:  Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around.
Kyle:  Yeh, we're running out of friends.
Stan:  I wonder what that thing was that the visitors gave the cows.

[Cows out on a pasture]
Cows:  Mooo.
Officer Barbrady:  Ha ha cows! I've got you cornered. Let's see you get away now.

One of the cows step on the plate on the alien device.

A bolt of lightning strikes Officer Barbrady.

His glasses fly off, and cheeks become rosy.
Officer Barbrady:  I love to sing-a, about the moon-a and the June-a and the Spring-a, I love to sing-a, 'bout a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a...

Cows begin hopping about gleefully

[Bus Stop]

Cartman falls out of the sky, landing next to Kyle and Stan.
Cartman:  Puh.
Stan:  Oh, hey Cartman.
Kyle:  Wow Cartman, the visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school.
Cartman:  Ah, man, I had this crazy nightmare lastnight.
Stan:  Really, what about?
Cartman:  Well, I was standing out in a field, and I had this huge satellite dish sticking out of my butt. And then there was hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
Stan:  That wasn't a dream Cartman, that really happened.
Cartman:  Oh, right. Why don't I have pinkeye then?
Kyle:  Cartman, you do have pinkeye.
Cartman:  Ahh, son of a bitch!